For my Mom. 

Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you.”

Welcome back everyone. I thought, what better time to come back then to come back on the tenth year anniversary! I’m not sure how long I’ll be here for 365, but I’ll try my best to stay for a while. For those of you who are catching up, my twin sister left this earth on Sept 23, 2016 to a drunk driver. The drunk driver, a man, was a police officer. That is the short version, the longer version is allll up through this blog! So, let me share what’s been happening in my stages of grief since the last time we talked. Not only have I been grieving the loss of my sister, I have been grieving some parts of my health. Not my health in its entirety, but just a.. well.. BIG piece. For the last 9 months I have been struggling with a case of uveitis. How I and why I have it is still a mystery after almost a year. I’ve had many ups and downs, and lots, I mean LOTS of doctor’s appointments. for them to still not truly know what’s going on. It has been hard going through that, of course I wasn’t alone, I had my parents but I wish I had my sister. I already have been through such a life changing event, and now I’m going through another but, without her. There were nights I woke up crying because I couldn’t see, or in pain. Listen, I had to make my font bigger on my phone just so I could see. The kids at school would ask “dang Miss Tati why is your font so big?!” I mean I can make light of it now, but 9 months ago I felt broken. I have been feeling broken for quite some time now, but I had to ask this question, would I ever be fixed?  Whatever is in my body it’s affecting my eyes and it’s definitely scary to think about not being able to see one day. I would be up night after night ALL night afraid to close my eyes, silly I know. But I truly thought one day I would wake up and I wouldn’t be able to see the people I love in my life anymore, just like Ari. Because what would I give to just see her again. I was mourning the thought of the loss of my eyesight. I felt “trapped.” In the midst of having a deep case of insomnia, I started having nightmares. There’s this recurring dream that Ari  is being buried alive. Which doesn’t make sense at all because that’s not in any way of how she passed. The dreams I had before were nice, sweet, her smiling and laughing, these were awful. I then started having dreams where I was trying to save her. It literally didn’t matter where we were in every dream I was legit trying to save her. I think that’s the guilt in me still, by not being with her that night. I think my dreams of trying to save her was really just a feeling of wanting her TO SAVE ME. Although,she is  exactly where she needs to be. But I have to admit that I have never felt more alone without her than this past year. I thought grief was supposed to get better, but it really hasn’t. Because of that, it definitely puts a strain on my relationships, especially GOD. I am very much in love with the Lord still, but things seem unfair. Because it wasn’t just Ari or my eyes, in the beginning of the year, I ended up having had a stereotactic mammogram. As a result, it caused me to develop a HUGE hematoma the size of a tennis ball. I couldn’t lift or go to the gym for weeks and that was hard on me mentally. Lastly, I lost my job. So, to make a long story short I’m faithfully exhausted. I try my best to stay faithful and be the woman of God I was before my world was turned upside down. I have also lost friendships, friendships I thought meant something. But, I know that grief changed me completely. I started viewing things differently, became desensitized, even became less sensitive. I admit I am different, and because of my grief I became not so easy to get along with… but regardless if you were my people, I love you. Not only has losing Ari changed me, but my health being altered has changed me too. Before I started sharing I shared a bible verse, Jeremiah 29:11. The whole month of September this has  stuck in my head. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” That I know. God is sovereign and he will do whatever he wants to do when he wants to and that has kept me these last TEN YEARS. We’re planning a big party for Ari this year and listen, it’s really stressful celebrating her life every year ok? I wish I could help you all understand. I choose the day of her death anniversary to DO WHATEVER I want to do. Whether it’s having people over, go out and drink that nasty Jäegermeister, cry, laugh, whatever. Because once that anniversary party comes I feel like a turtle who wants to be back in its shell. I am very outgoing and confident and strong, but it is always something about being around so many people in such a vulnerable time that makes me anxious. I feel like oh my goodness, everyone is staring at me. They see her, they see Ari. Because I know that’s how I feel looking in the mirror everyday. But, I’m ending with this; September 20, 2026, just three days ago, I experienced her presence. I woke up and I was feeling so stressed about this party. I literally said to myself “I hate celebrating her life.” It’s not because I don’t miss my sister, of course I do but it’s just hard celebrating her not being here. I don’t know it’s just weird to me, even though I do want to honor her. But anyway, I fell back asleep. Next thing I know I’m getting out of my car, I head over to the drivers side to grab my things. I then popped my head up and there she was. Standing there at the driver’s side door, looking just as strong and beautiful as ever. Really, she looked exactly the same, but, with this radiant glow. I don’t know how she reached me from where she was standing, but she gave me the biggest hug. It felt so real and if I’m being honest, it was the best hug I have ever received in my life. I smelled her, I felt her, and she was hugging me so tight. I immediately woke up. I immediately knew that was her saying “Tot I know you don’t want to do this but thank you for doing it anyway.” I woke up in tears. I couldn’t even explain the feeling. But, even though it’s sad, I’m happy to know that I am, WE are, doing the right thing. That is just what we will do, continue celebrating your life. I know that you’re reborn and you’re in a better place now. 

So, Happy Birthday Ari, I love you.