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    For my Mom. 

    Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you.”

    Welcome back everyone. I thought, what better time to come back then to come back on the tenth year anniversary! I’m not sure how long I’ll be here for 365, but I’ll try my best to stay for a while. For those of you who are catching up, my twin sister left this earth on Sept 23, 2016 to a drunk driver. The drunk driver, a man, was a police officer. That is the short version, the longer version is allll up through this blog! So, let me share what’s been happening in my stages of grief since the last time we talked. Not only have I been grieving the loss of my sister, I have been grieving some parts of my health. Not my health in its entirety, but just a.. well.. BIG piece. For the last 9 months I have been struggling with a case of uveitis. How I and why I have it is still a mystery after almost a year. I’ve had many ups and downs, and lots, I mean LOTS of doctor’s appointments. for them to still not truly know what’s going on. It has been hard going through that, of course I wasn’t alone, I had my parents but I wish I had my sister. I already have been through such a life changing event, and now I’m going through another but, without her. There were nights I woke up crying because I couldn’t see, or in pain. Listen, I had to make my font bigger on my phone just so I could see. The kids at school would ask “dang Miss Tati why is your font so big?!” I mean I can make light of it now, but 9 months ago I felt broken. I have been feeling broken for quite some time now, but I had to ask this question, would I ever be fixed?  Whatever is in my body it’s affecting my eyes and it’s definitely scary to think about not being able to see one day. I would be up night after night ALL night afraid to close my eyes, silly I know. But I truly thought one day I would wake up and I wouldn’t be able to see the people I love in my life anymore, just like Ari. Because what would I give to just see her again. I was mourning the thought of the loss of my eyesight. I felt “trapped.” In the midst of having a deep case of insomnia, I started having nightmares. There’s this recurring dream that Ari  is being buried alive. Which doesn’t make sense at all because that’s not in any way of how she passed. The dreams I had before were nice, sweet, her smiling and laughing, these were awful. I then started having dreams where I was trying to save her. It literally didn’t matter where we were in every dream I was legit trying to save her. I think that’s the guilt in me still, by not being with her that night. I think my dreams of trying to save her was really just a feeling of wanting her TO SAVE ME. Although,she is  exactly where she needs to be. But I have to admit that I have never felt more alone without her than this past year. I thought grief was supposed to get better, but it really hasn’t. Because of that, it definitely puts a strain on my relationships, especially GOD. I am very much in love with the Lord still, but things seem unfair. Because it wasn’t just Ari or my eyes, in the beginning of the year, I ended up having had a stereotactic mammogram. As a result, it caused me to develop a HUGE hematoma the size of a tennis ball. I couldn’t lift or go to the gym for weeks and that was hard on me mentally. Lastly, I lost my job. So, to make a long story short I’m faithfully exhausted. I try my best to stay faithful and be the woman of God I was before my world was turned upside down. I have also lost friendships, friendships I thought meant something. But, I know that grief changed me completely. I started viewing things differently, became desensitized, even became less sensitive. I admit I am different, and because of my grief I became not so easy to get along with… but regardless if you were my people, I love you. Not only has losing Ari changed me, but my health being altered has changed me too. Before I started sharing I shared a bible verse, Jeremiah 29:11. The whole month of September this has  stuck in my head. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” That I know. God is sovereign and he will do whatever he wants to do when he wants to and that has kept me these last TEN YEARS. We’re planning a big party for Ari this year and listen, it’s really stressful celebrating her life every year ok? I wish I could help you all understand. I choose the day of her death anniversary to DO WHATEVER I want to do. Whether it’s having people over, go out and drink that nasty Jäegermeister, cry, laugh, whatever. Because once that anniversary party comes I feel like a turtle who wants to be back in its shell. I am very outgoing and confident and strong, but it is always something about being around so many people in such a vulnerable time that makes me anxious. I feel like oh my goodness, everyone is staring at me. They see her, they see Ari. Because I know that’s how I feel looking in the mirror everyday. But, I’m ending with this; September 20, 2026, just three days ago, I experienced her presence. I woke up and I was feeling so stressed about this party. I literally said to myself “I hate celebrating her life.” It’s not because I don’t miss my sister, of course I do but it’s just hard celebrating her not being here. I don’t know it’s just weird to me, even though I do want to honor her. But anyway, I fell back asleep. Next thing I know I’m getting out of my car, I head over to the drivers side to grab my things. I then popped my head up and there she was. Standing there at the driver’s side door, looking just as strong and beautiful as ever. Really, she looked exactly the same, but, with this radiant glow. I don’t know how she reached me from where she was standing, but she gave me the biggest hug. It felt so real and if I’m being honest, it was the best hug I have ever received in my life. I smelled her, I felt her, and she was hugging me so tight. I immediately woke up. I immediately knew that was her saying “Tot I know you don’t want to do this but thank you for doing it anyway.” I woke up in tears. I couldn’t even explain the feeling. But, even though it’s sad, I’m happy to know that I am, WE are, doing the right thing. That is just what we will do, continue celebrating your life. I know that you’re reborn and you’re in a better place now. 

    So, Happy Birthday Ari, I love you.

    Screenshot

  • Just Breathe.

    The world is such a strange place to be. 32 years ago I was created with a twin sister named Ari. Ari had the best personality, WHEWWWW what a joy to be around. For the last 4 years I have acknowledged breathing. I can just lie in bed and have the opportunity to focus on breathing. As human beings we forget to just breath. We don’t even cherish, the moments we have to do so. We are caught up in life that we don’t even value the greatest things, like having the ability to LIVE and BREATHE. On today, I have chosen to think about my sisters life and how she has no more air to breathe. NOW she’s in a place where I’m sure the air is way more fresher. I think about today and the world we live in and how we have to pull down a FORKING mask to breath now. What a privilege it is to breath in air on earth, but I still can’t imagine life without her. Every time I breath or sigh or huff and puff, I automatically think about her. I not only think about her but I think about all the people I have lost in the last 4 years. I can’t help but think about their last breath. I can’t even bare to think about Ari’s last breath, and I know some of you feel the same way. I will forever long for Ari and I to share the same air and breath together. But, who am I kidding in a middle of a pandemic she’s better off than me right now. I can’t help but think she is breathing in the purest of air, her nickname is Air of course. Listen sis,I just came by to wish you a Happy Birthday, and again…. well done.

    Tot 

    …… grieving in the middle of a pandemic coming shortly 

  • Where were you?

    Where were you?

    A letter to the editor..

    “On September 23, 2016, I recall attending a staff meeting  with a few of my colleagues. Within the first ten minutes of the meeting, I stepped out to answer an incoming phone call from one of my friends. This particular friend never calls, especially this early in the morning. So, I figured it was important. I picked up the phone and she asks, “Hey, sorry to other you, but have you heard from Tatiana?” “No,” I responded. As I stood in the hallway confused, my friend provided a little background information regarding the question. She saw Tat and Ari’s photo reposted on Instagram, which prompted the call. Unfortunately, I forgot to check social media that morning, and didn’t have any answers for my friend.  After the call, I made a quick attempt to call Tat. No answer. Now, I was even more confused. “What’s going on here? Let me call someone else that would know,” I thought. My next and final option was Tat and Ari’s cousin, who is my close friend. I scanned through my phone, searching for her number. I immediately called, and found out the horrible news within the matter of seconds. “Ari is gone,” she said. From that point forward, I knew that Tatiana would need me. Unfortunately, I wasn’t sure what I could do or say to make things better. Deep down, I knew that Ari was never coming back, and for the first time in her life, Tatiana would have to continue on. It wasn’t until September 2018, when Tatiana approached me for assistance. Combining her passion for writing and my graphic design skillset, we were able to launch 365daysofloss.com. That’s when I realized that Tatiana would continue her life with Ari, through memories, photos, and stories. Ari is still and will always be with Tatiana.”

     

    – Bryce Carmichael (The curator of 365)

     

    Where were you?

    The night of September 22nd, 2016, I stayed at my parents house for the first time in 41 days after living with Ari, Tot and their family. I stayed at my parents house because for one they went away for the week and they wanted someone to look after my brother and two I was getting my hair dyed in the morning at a salon that was closer to their house. Throughout the night I laid on my couch, snacking, and texting our group message where everyone responded as normal. I probably dozed off a couple times and eventually decided to walk to my room which was still set up at my parents house. My phone is always on do not disturb and all of my contacts are always on do not disturb. Sometime before I fell asleep I set my alarm for the following day but also took my phone off of do no disturb, I’m still not sure why I decided to do that. A little before 5:30 am on Friday morning I got a call from Tot. She started the conversation off by saying “She’s gone, Ari’s gone”. I’ll never forget the sound of Tots voice when she told me, it’s still one of the most life changing moments that I’ve ever experienced.

    -Tia Beverly

     

     

    Where were you?

    On the morning of September 23rd, I was at work. I had just got there and was scrolling through IG to pass the time and came across the picture of Ari sitting in the water. I thought she looked so bomb in the picture and ironically angelic and immortal because she kinda appeared to be sitting on top of the water . But as I scrolled , I realized it wasn’t her post and then I read the caption and froze. I scrolled back up to the picture and scrolled down to the caption again as if I thought it could change. I was in disbelief and my next thought was “TATIANA!” So I proceeded to text Tatiana , “love you❤️”. I was still in disbelief, but I figured if it was true I didn’t know what exactly to say and if it wasn’t true , someone always wants to know someone loves them. The weekend passed and I still didn’t want to believe it and 3 years later I still can’t. There’s random moments when I still can’t believe she’s not here.But I think I speak for everyone when I say we’re so grateful for the time we did have with Ari.

     

    -Jachel Everett

     

    Where were you?

    I used to watched Ari’s Snapchat stories. Especially in the morning. They always made me smile and at that time in my life I was looking for anything that would distract me from my own reality. The small comforts of life. I was driving into work and stuck in traffic so, of course: let’s check Snapchat. 

    For some reason that morning I thought to myself, “What is Ari going to be like when she’s older?” I tried to picture the future her – more mature in the face, grey hairs…. I couldn’t.  I thought “that’s weird, let me try to picture Tatiana older” the image in my head was clear. “So odd” I thought. They are twins, wouldn’t I picture basically the same face?

    I got into work and settled. And it wasn’t before long that my phone started ringing. It was Tiff. She usually calls me, but not that early. I better answer. Tiff was sobbing, she doesn’t usually cry – and then I finally could make out  what she was saying.

    …

    That’s how I felt. … it didn’t take long before the shock turned to grief and my own sobs followed. They sent me home from work. I drove straight to Florence.

    I watched that last snap over and over and over, until it was just …. gone.

     

    -Gina Dicroce

     

    In closing.. Where were you?

    September 23,2016. . 

    I remember this day like it was yesterday; a memory I wish I could forget because it was a day that changed my life and so many others, as well. 

    It was around 7:15am, I struggled to get up for work that day but I pulled myself out of bed and went into the bathroom to begin getting ready. Unbeknownst to me, Jeremy (Remy), was getting a call from his cousin Jeff, telling him the horrible news of Ariana’s passing.

    He knocked on the door and came in and first looked at me (it’s so sad, I remember this part so vividly). I remember his facial expression, his whole demeanor, I didn’t know what he was going to tell me. When I ask him today, what were his initial thoughts, he says” I didn’t know what to say or how to even tell you, but I had to.” 

    “Ummm, Ariana passed away,” he said. “WHAAAT?!,” “Ariana who?”, “What do you mean passed away?”, “How?” He explained he just got off the phone with Jeff and learned she was in a bad car accident and didn’t make it . I instantly left the bathroom, not believing a word he just said, I sat on our bed and honestly, I went to social media. I went on social media to see if anyone else was saying RIP or to give me some thing, ANYTHING. The only thing I knew, I was way too terrified to call Tatiana to even confirm. I didn’t want to face the truth, I didn’t want to believe. Remy said “Lets just go over there and see what’s going on.” So we both called out of work and drove over to Florence. 

    When we pulled up and saw so many people outside, I knew this was really happening, the harsh reality of this unfortunate event was ACTUALLY happening. I just couldn’t bring myself to get out the car, let alone go inside the house! I wanted to see my sister, hold her and comfort her, but I was too afraid because I could feel her pain from outside. I stood there for a while, going back and forth and finally just asked her parents was it okay if I went upstairs. I remember being nervous to find the state Tatiana would be in. Although she was surrounded by her close friends, she just stared off; I’m not even sure she knew I was there yet! I couldn’t remember the conversations we had but I remember at one point Tatiana on the floor, hands in a fist, banging on the floor, crying. I can still feel the pain from this day.  

    Everyone knows, especially Ariana and Tatiana, my memory is super selective! They could remember things in great detail and I would be like “that happened? when?” I don’t know why, but they say “we recall bad memories more easily and in greater detail than good ones,” and I wish this were not true. I hate that I remember this day so vividly. I hate that I still feel the heaviness of this day. I hate this even happened. I wish to remember the last thing she said to me ( and I was probably laughing because she was a trip) I wish to remember the last time I saw her (as stylish and as fierce as she was) I wish to remember the last time we hugged and I told her I loved her. I wish to go back to September 23, 2016 and erase this entire day. . 

    Ariana, not a moment goes by when you don’t cross my mind. It could be the littlest thing, a picture, an old CD playlist, a sunflower, a rainbow.. Tatiana! You are all around us. Protecting us as you always have. I miss you so much and will honor you in the best ways I know how.  I love you sister, forever and ever!

    -Cherese Rucker

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • i wished and prayed for twins.

    ◦ February 4th, 1989 was a cloudy, cold, overcast day. It was a Saturday, and I was still pregnant with my twins, but they weren’t actually due until February 8th. I had settled in on that date because it didn’t seem they were coming any sooner; in spite of my running up and down the stairs when no one was at home. My husband left for work around 5:30am that day, and at 6:00am I had the first of my contractions. I was in disbelief. I wasn’t sure it was real labor, so I started timing the contractions. They were all over the place….five minutes, 7 minutes, 12 minutes. Because if this, I wasn’t sure this was true labor. I waited until 9am and called my friend Tracey to ask her opinion. Her best advice was, call your doctor, I’ve never had twins. So I called, they told me to come in. We were living with my in-laws at the time, so I told everyone that I needed a ride to the hospital; then I proceeded to do my hair and make-up (true story). Once I got ready and grabbed my bag, I got into the car with my mother-in-law and father-in-law, and we headed to the hospital. My father- in-law blew through every red light between Florence and Willingboro. My husband, who worked at the hospital at that time, met us at the door. I thought things were going smoothly, until they checked fetal heart rates. Ariana was presenting and ready to go (true to form). Tatiana was breech and not advancing , and her heart rate was decelerating; therefore I would be having a C-section. This proved to be true to form for Tatiana as well, she is determined that the world will wait for her. Nothing went quite as expected. My epidural hadn’t kicked in when they tried the first incision, so I had to be go under general anesthesia. Ari rallied and was born at 12:21 pm; 6lbs 7oz. Tot followed at 12:22pm weighing 5lb 1.5oz. To this day, they were the greatest gift I’ve ever received. They have provided me with some amazing experiences, but nothing has not topped their own birth. Happy 30th birthday babies. I love you so much. And Ari, I miss you so much.

     

     

    sincerely,

    your mom.