Darkness

Noun: the partial total absence of light.

Ok, so I have dark moments. This is really hard for me to talk about but it’s real, so let’s talk about it. I’ve always had extreme anxiety, for those who don’t know that about me. I have anxiety about being alone, being in a car alone, actually driving in it.  I have anxiety about bridges, well, heights in general. Now with Ari gone, I have  extreme anxiety about being alone and going places by myself. I was too embarrassed to tell people this, but when I was invited somewhere and it was too far I wasn’t going. For example, if you had a birthday party and it was a decent distance it wasn’t happening. OH and IF I had nobody to hop in the car with me, 9 times out of 10 I wasn’t coming. I would try to make up excuses because I was so embarrassed to tell people these things, and I know those excuses weren’t good enough. But I’ve never had to go anywhere alone, NOWHERE. I’ve always had somebody to go places with. I didn’t want to talk about it, and I was anxious about it, and still get anxious about it. But, as of lately the anxiety has became a bit much. If you are unfamiliar with anxiety it can be a lot at times.

Anxiety could actually take over your life if you let it. Everybody has different triggers and its never one specific thing. For me my anxiety happens when I am alone. I started having anxiety moments in my car, and it would go just like this. I’d forget for one second about what had happened to Ari.  I would talk to myself in my head and sometimes I’d ask “what am I going to do when I got home?’ Then I’d remember that Ari is gone. Then here comes the hard confirmation “Ari is dead girl.” The first year was just like “I know she’s not here but I just refuse to accept it”. Now, it’s like “she’s not here, she’s not coming back you know that right?”. Then I started having nightmares about that night. In my dreams I started remembering her voice when she told me that it was up to me to come meet her out. In some dreams I actually went and painted a picture of how it would of went differently. I had some that I was driving and I was following the two of them home, and seeing the crash myself.

In the other dreams I painted a picture of what happened to her, and what exactly happened to her body. I would make up scenarios of how it happened. Her hitting her head on the dash board. Her just lying there helpless. I remembered how her nails were broken when I looked down at her hands, as she laid in her casket, all those scratches. Just horrible things a person shouldn’t have to think about but, that was my anxiety. I was putting myself in a place that I didn’t need to be, putting more on myself by thinking about things I couldn’t control. Every time I woke up it was just dark, and not just my room but thats how I felt. I just couldn’t take it anymore and I wanted to die, and I still have those moments. I was so angry that I didn’t do anything, I could of went out that night, and I’m just angry that I didn’t. The thought of her body jerking around and being hit with so much impact that she died. I couldn’t bare. It got to the point that I was just like “yo I’m done, like forreal this is crazy, I shouldn’t even be alive right now”. I didn’t think it was fair that I was still here. I thought about so many different ways to just go, it would be so quick. I knew people would miss me and it would be selfish, but I felt like I was being selfish for still having life.

The only thing that has kept me here, and to stay , is that I finally have convinced myself that I will see her again. It was and still hard for me to think about her being somewhere again with me. All I have ever experienced is life on earth, nowhere else. I believe that she is in heaven, but I sometimes I can’t bare her not being HERE. I know that suicide won’t fix it and I know that it won’t help me see her any faster. Mentally I have become a little unstable because time is passing, the denial is leaving and reality is becoming more clear. I know that people look at me and see otherwise, they see that I’m fine, or maybe they don’t. I think that people see my social media and they see me smiling and see my strength. But really I am screaming on the inside, everyday. It truly is hard to keep survival looking this good. Looks can be deceiving and I struggle with staying on this earth everyday, BELIEVE ME. I’m trying really hard. Sometimes pain can just be too much, so remember that in your grieving friends/family.

In this past year we lost Kate Spade, a beautiful vibrant designer. You would never know from her designs that she was in so much pain. Her work has always been filled with beautiful bright colors, flowers and light. But her real light was dim, you would of never ever guessed it. Remember that you have to check on people, they are trying to stand on solid ground. However, one day they might not be strong enough to stay up and stay standing. My grieving brothers and sisters you keep standing. Don’t let your darkness dim your light too much. Hold on, you stay strong, you STAND.  

Friendships.

As you know this blog turned 1 years old. It is also the 2nd anniversary of my sister passing. Lastly, this is my 2nd birthday. Yes I am 29, but I feel like I was reborn when Ari died. I died with her, that’s how I felt. The Tatiana I was before, will never be who I am now. I know that, because I felt the change in how people around me treated me, friends in particular. I felt like some people embraced who I was becoming, some felt like I changed. As if I asked for this to happen to me and it was expected for me to snap out of it. I don’t think that’s what people really expected me to do but sometimes that’s how I felt. I got the “you have to live for you too”, “you’re your own person”. It was so easy for people to have input, but it’s different when you live it. More importantly it would be hard to understand if you’re not a twin. My sister and I did everything together and even though we were individuals we were ONE, we have been ONE since birth and will remain as one. Along with, “you’re your own person, I heard you know “you don’t have to act like ari”,  things like that I could never say to a grieving person. I know that sometimes people don’t know what to say, or they’re doing what they think is right.

But, I really encourage you to remember it takes a lot for a grieving person to even stand on two feet on a daily. Also, half the time we feel alone, so its important to uplift us/them. Be encouraging. I love the comments like, “you look just like Ari right now”. Those comments made me happy, even smile. After some time I started to notice people drifting away. I could figure out what friends I was about to lose and who would stay, family members too. Not going to lie, apart of it was my fault. I shut people out. I’ve had multiple friends ask me “what’s up with you?” Or they would say, “You don’t come around”, “you don’t talk to me”. It was nothing personal, and I barely talked to MYSELF. I JUST started talking to myself, and talking myself through things. I really never had to do that before, but I changed. I had to start encouraging myself to do stuff, to be strong. I had to learn to be my biggest cheerleader. We all have to do that sometimes, because who better to know us than ourselves? It was hard talking to people. It was even harder being vulnerable, it still is. I hated letting people in, so deeply. I never had to do that before because I had my sister who held my secrets, and helped me when I was in pain. I always told a select few people what went on in my life, the little things.

But after everything happened, everybody wanted to know what I was doing, how I was, who I was dating, where I was going, what I was doing on this and that holiday. It became overwhelming. Then I thought to myself “tell them how you’re feeling, let people be who they want to be FOR you tot.” I couldn’t, I still can’t. Mentally I can’t take being shut down, or not being able to be seen for ME. What I mean by that is, sure everybody accepts me for who I am but Ari REALLY accepted me. It didn’t matter if I was right or wrong, Ari would say “I don’t care you’re my sister you’re always right.” If I got in a heated argument Ari would say “forget them, you got me anyway”. I’m not used to people telling me I’m wrong, or them not seeing where I’m coming from. It was and it still is frustrating. I had somebody to ride for me at all times, at any cost. If I’m in a situation where nobody is understanding where I’m coming from I shut down, IMMEDIATELY.  It wasn’t like before I could let it roll off my back after coming home and talking to Ari. Then some would tell me “you’re not the only person who’s been through something”, I understand”, or “I’ve lost her too” that was hard for me to swallow. Sure people lose people everyday yes, I would never take that away from any person. But to have somebody that you were in the womb with, to look exactly like you, somebody who you looked after the most, was suddenly taken away. Not just she got sick and died. Or like she was some estranged sister who had died. She was my identical twin who I spent every breathing moment with for 27 years. I’ve gotten in many arguments and disagreements about “I understand”. That would make me shut down completely. Because at that moment I’m thinking “they’re not even listening to me”, not every person responded in that way though. There were some who would say “listen tot i’m even going to say I know how you feel and I understand, because I don’t.” Those people had the maturity level to take a step back and put themselves in my shoes. But the people who said “I understand” made me feel like I couldn’t express how I felt because we may going down the road of comparing situations. Because in reality I only wanted to talk about how I felt in the moment. So I started to talk less and less about it. My point was not to compare or take pain or hurt from anybody, I would expect everybody to do the same.

To be quite frank, we have to take a step back and knowing that every loss isn’t the same. Every person will be affected in many different ways, some people will take it harder than others. I also encourage you to let your grieving friends grieve. You telling them that you “understand” does not help. Express your struggles, and tell them how you felt with a certain loss. Sharing feelings will help, trust me. Expressing yourself and talking about things will help bring those similarities to surface, then you won’t feel like you’re comparing situations. You know friendships will come and go, and know that you losing somebody will not change that. People will be empathetic/sympathetic for only a short period of time, that’s the hard truth. To my grieving sisters and brothers, lean on your church family, immediate family, and friends who have prayed for you and dropped everything for you. You can try to fix relationships and friendships but remember you can only do but so much. There is no manual to this. Do all you can and if that doesn’t work pray about it. You can only do but so much in a state of pain and grief. After you’ve done all you can…..