As I lay in bed at night I toss and turn

I wake up and look to the left, look to the right

But by no surprise, you’re still out of sight

Sometimes I feel that you are here

but sometimes I just wish we still breathed the same air

I wish it was very much like a dream

but your memory is still very much alive to everyone as it seems

I never imagined that we would never grow old together

Now I’ll have to go through every storm without you and what it seems to be forever

I thought of this poem because it has been some time that I reflected

But I like to push these thoughts further back only to keep my heart protected

I can only suppress those feelings for but so long

So, probably night after night for as long as it takes

I’ll look to the left, look to the right

Knowing Ari, that you’re still out of sight

For those of you who knew Ari, you know how much she loved St. Patty’s Day. For those of you who didn’t know, you are about to! I will make this intro short and will let the post speak for itself. This is not like #brokenholidays, these are good memories. I just wanted to pay homage to the best bartender in the world, and a day she loved, St Patty’s Day.

Ari and I were like freshly 21. I feel like it was one of the first St. Patty’s Days out. We were super hype we wanted to go out and get all dolled up, so she agreed to do my makeup all green and flashy. The only thing is we didn’t know how this St. Patty’s Day thing went. We waited until the day of and thought we’d find an outfit. FAIL. We searched high and low all day. Everywhere we went, everything was sold out; not even a T-shirt. She said, “You know what, let’s just make them like back in the day.” I said that might be our only option. We ended up finding plain green T-shirt’s, got the paint and all supplies and went back to Ari’s house. Now we were super hype.

It was early still, we had the time, we just had to keep it moving. We go in her basement, she brings down that big ass suitcase box of makeup she had and started with my makeup. She got SO mad at me because I said it was too dark and started wiping off the bottom of my eye. “JUS-TINE!!” I can’t tell you how many times I got the eye roll and the “you stoooopid.” Whatever though. I took some dark off and still wore it. Your mom comes downstairs as we just started. She said, “What are you girls up to?” Ari said, “Getting ready for St. Patty’s Day, mom.” Your mom said all calm, “Okkkkaay, but I mean Ariana, you do know you’re black right?” Typical Ari attitude came out, “Mom, I know, it doesn’t mean I can’t celebrate.” Your mom was all calm like, “Okkk….” I remember laughing so hard. Ari gave no fucks if this was an Irish holiday. If all her friends are going out, she’s going too.

We started with the shirts. I said I wanted to put, “Kiss me I’m Irish” on the back with a shamrock over the second “I.” I said I needed help. I wasn’t the creative one here, she was… we started practicing how to draw shamrocks she said, “YO. I’m about to write kiss me I’m black.” I started cracking up. I was like yoooo…you should. She said “Nah, forreal. I’m about to write, ‘kiss me I’m black with a shamrock for the ‘a’” I was like yessssss. So sure enough, kiss me I’m black, with a shamrock in the middle as the “a” it was. EVERYONE loved it. Literally. Every time someone said something about my shirt I’m like, yo look at Ari’s… how great is this. They loved it so much she had a shirt made with the exact same phrase. I saw a bunch of people have now. I love it. So many great memories come from the making of that damn shirt.

–  Justine Wyckoff

 I just remember Ari was the first black girl to work at docs. Doc had his doubts, and then in Ari fashion, she showed up in a green corset and rocked every St. Patty’s Day then and there after…. Sadly, they always stuck me outside, so I never got to work with her inside but the look on Docs face was priceless. I really miss her attitude and spunk.

I will say this: from the day that she started at Docs and every day after… Ari challenged your view of “how things were supposed to be”; the black girl magic, the corset, the kiss me shirt. The way a “popular girl” acted. She challenged all that. She made everyone feel accepted. And she was loved by everyone, even when we didn’t understand her sense of style or if she put her opinions out there. She did it in a way where you would stop and think, “Hmm, ok I can dig it.” Because her soul is so beautiful. She accepted everyone. She just made ya feel better about yourself and opened-up your mind and your heart.

– Gina Dicroce

We used to always work together on St. Patty’s Day. St. Patty’s Day was actually her first shift at Docs…basically, I just told her to show up and work (Doc had no idea lol), But I used to always show up all covered up and she’d be like, “Girlll, what are you wearing? You are such a mom. You should tie up the side or something.” She was always trying to get me to look ‘hot’ HAHA

– Coty Calvanese

So, I remember distinctly, her showing up on St. Patty’s Day looking bomb AF in a corset and a tutu… make-up, hair, the works. I spun around in the kitchen when she walked in the back door and was like, “Damnnnnnn, Ari, you bringing it!” She was like, “Yea, had to let Doc know I’ma be working here now.”

I said, “Yea, he’s gonna get the memo on that.” (Because, as you know, she was working that night but he hadn’t given her any set shifts yet, but she started working all the time after that.)

She hustled… you know her work ethic. All night, never stopped moving. I also remember later in the night she put in a Shepard’s pie but grabbed a beef stew from the kitchen. I correct her and told her the mix-up… that she rang it in correctly but grabbed the wrong thing. She was like, “Oh, that’s not it?? I don’t know what it looks like yo… that’s some white people food. We don’t eat that shit.” We died laughing and always made jokes about it after that.

She was the first black bartender Doc hired and she set the bar for all future bartenders. That’s how good she was. She was on another level… her beauty, her skills, her knowledge, and most importantly, the way she interacted with everyone. Everyone loved her. She had this way of making everyone feel like the most important person at that bar… and it all started that one St. Patty’s Day when we were short-staffed and Doc let her come in “for that night”. She came, stayed, and changed the place forever.

– Beth Fera

Well when I think of working with her on St. Patty’s Day, I think of her outfits and of course her corset that she wore and looked damn good in. I remember her having me take pictures of her when me and he worked the night before St. Patty’s Day together I was her photographer as she was posing In front of the mirrors. You can’t forget about her famous shirt that we all have now, either. I also remember her suspenders and how we planned to wear them together I was so excited to wear them with her.

– Juliana Knazek

I just remember sheer panic because she was super late and then she was trying to get the corset on. I went in the bathroom with her to help her put it on. First, she put the bigger one on and because she lost so much weight, it didn’t fit. So after we went through tightening that shit, she eventually had to take it off and ended up putting on a smaller one and then we had to tie that one up. Someone else actually came in and helped. We were in there for like 20 minutes helping her tie the first one up… just to take it off and put on the other one.

– Amanda Lyon

It’s not too
much of a story… but I used to always get a huge laugh and make fun of her
cause she’d wear that “kiss me I’m black” shirt. I feel like she
worked a lot of St. Patty’s Day. So, we’d just go to Docs and get annihilated
while she worked.

– Zach
Carugno

I remember she
kicked ass. Ran circles around most of us bartending. I know me, for sure. She
looked adorable, per usual. And I remember everyone being very impressed by
her, coworkers, patrons, and Doc. She was definitely nervous but more of an
excited nervous. But that was unnecessary because she rocked. In there like
swimwear after that.

– Bridgette
Rafferty

Ari and I
always had to work St Patrick’s Day. It was usually a weekend of chaos and fun.
It was our time to grind and work long hours. The Sunday or Monday night after
would be the time I’d see her. Laughing about the crazy shit we saw, what she
wore and how we made bank. Her reppin’ the Kiss me I’m black shirt, still the
best.

– Mike Green

She was a breath of fresh air at Docs. A pleasure to work with and I definitely would not have stayed there as long if I was working with anyone else on Tuesdays.

-Bridgette Rafferty

I have written many things that have occurred in my 365 days of loss. So far, the ultimate torture are memories. There are many definitions on “memory” and memories, but one stood out to me.

Memories: the mental capacity or faculty of retaining and reviving facts, events, impressions, or of recalling or recognizing previous experiences.

Another one I found was: The reputation of a person or thing, especially after death; fame. After looking up suitable definitions, I then did some research on “memory”. “Remember the memories” that was a curse and a blessing at the same time. In one article, it explained that our memory makes us. If we didn’t remember anything, people, where we’ve been, we wouldn’t be able to function. It also read that we need to stay up on recollection, because as we get older memory decays.

I’ve always had good memories in every area of my life, now that can be debatable. When I think about my sister I have ton of memories if you can imagine, but now I have a bad one. This bad memory has taken over all the good ones, and I’m hoping it will be temporary. You see I have a lot of time to spend with myself, which causes me to think. I know that everybody has experienced a moment where you day-dream about memories. What a great gift to have, to day-dream about memories. It can be so sweet. That daydream was once reality and we have the capability to relive it whenever we want.

Another great gift of memory is impression. It’s inevitable that you all will see Ari whenever you see me, but it goes beyond looks. I can talk like her, make gestures like her, walk like her, and I can do this because I am her. If I make a face like her, laugh like her, or say a phrase like her that is the gift of memory impression. I have even caught myself experiencing a moment of impression. As human beings, we can pull a memory and think about it all day long if we want. So, in those moments when I’m alone, I think about memories. I think about how Ari and I were little girls in our little twists. I think about her little smile. I remember us in kindergarten and our parents picked us up and dropped us off. Our first friendships outside of one another. Going to holiday skating rink for little parties with our classmates to growing up and going with our friends on the weekends. Sleepovers, waking up early on a Saturday morning to play outside. To growing up into beautiful woman.

My brain and my memory has allowed me to see all of the past with my sister. But what I struggle with is when that day dream has sucked back to present day I get extremely sad. I used to daydream about us being little girls all the time and I was blessed by that. I was blessed to be able to say to her “Ari remember when…”. I can’t do that anymore. So when I hear, “Remember the memories”… pssh believe me, I remember. I come back to reality and I look around, and remember they will just be memories. No more will be made.

I am grateful for those who still share their memories with me that they have of her. She had so many friends so hearing a memory is like storytelling, it’s extremely amazing. So, all in all everybody is telling a story, in some way, that is such a beautiful thing. Even with all those lovely stories I still have moments where a bad memory will outweigh a good one. Honestly, I have to say the ultimate torture is the memory of the events of her life ending. Hopefully one day my daydreams will be full of nothing but good memories, and no room for the bad ones.

I encourage everybody to hold onto memories. Let the good memories out way the good, from here on and years to come.