This post is dedicated to Nick Sarris.

As we are leaving the season of perpetual hope and beginning the new year, we seek changes. We seek changes in health, friendships, family, relationships, even occupations. One thing we hope for when beginning the new year is happiness. Everybody has their resolutions and things they strive for in the new year, but happiness is the most common wish. “I hope that the New Year brings you hope, love and HAPPINESS”.

I saw that a lot on January 1, 2018, which has brought me to my new entry, this one. After sadness, angry, disappointment I desperately wanted to hurry up and get back to being “happy”. I didn’t want to be happy for myself, I just wanted to find happiness for my sister.

The start of 2017 was horrible. January 1, 2017 was four months after my sister was killed, like what a way to start a New Year… without your best friend. It seemed everybody else’s was thriving in 2017, except me. I swear from my eyes it looked like I was living in hell and everything outside of my life was immaculate. People were pregnant, getting pregnant, having babies, getting new jobs, moving into new places, going on vacation, just living. I was getting ready for court, waiting for my sister’s killer to be indicted. Apparently, he was one of those “immaculate life” people I was talking about before. He was living, everybody was living, and I was slowly dying inside. My happiness was gone.

I often heard people complain too. It was mainly my friends complaining, not strangers which surprised me. People complained about going to work, working too much, complained about their significant others, what they were doing or not doing. Then there was the complaint that was teeth clenching… the: “My brother/sister gets on my nerves”. Oh, that was the best. Forget that I was riding the struggle bus.

I think often people would forget who they were venting to, and how blessed they were. Why are you complaining about all these great things? I would kill to have my sister here. Siblings are a gift that not everyone can experience. By the way, to be able to have an honorable job is a blessing. When everything happened, I couldn’t even think straight let alone try to work. But I would have killed to be able to work non-stop so that I wouldn’t have to sit with my thoughts. I started working a wonderful job a month before the passing of my sister. I had finally got the opportunity to teach American Sign Language.

When I first started, I was extremely happy. I would call her on my lunch break to tell her how my classes were. There was finally light at the end of the tunnel. But then she was gone. I was teaching for literally one month. That happiness was gone with a blink of an eye. I started being depressed because she wasn’t there to see me succeed. No more talking to her on my lunch break, no more coming home to her. Do you remember as a child wanting to ride a specific ride for the longest time? Even if it was just the merry go round. You finally get on and maybe you went around once or twice but you weren’t ready to get off? Maybe your parent or your chaperone made you get off and you felt you didn’t have enough time? You felt like you were on forever but it wasn’t long enough? That joy, that little taste of happiness was gone that quickly because you had no choice. It wasn’t about your time, you had to get off. That’s how I felt. There I was searching and trying to find a way to get my life back and people were complaining about the life they have been blessed with. Not saying that I myself am not blessed or have never felt blessed, I was just feeling like I was robbed of happiness.

When my sister was here, I wasn’t worried about that perfect job, or the man who I wanted but just can’t seem to have. I didn’t have a care in the world. But I just saw this tragic thing happen to some great people, and I didn’t understand how or why. I heard and watched people complain about the smallest things that didn’t matter. What mattered now, was life and living it. What mattered was telling people you love them, telling people you care, sharing your feelings. I believed Ari was struggling to find happiness.

Do I believe that she was happy with life? Absolutely, but she wanted more. She wanted her happy ending. I believe she wanted love. Things were hard for her after her breakup. Every relationship ends at some point, we’ve all been through it. Sometimes you’re just not seeing eye to eye, or maybe you grew apart. Sometimes you wait for the relationship to work out its kinks, while you wait. Eventually, you may give up.

Ari had so much love to give, she found love in enjoying life. I honestly believe that if she had the happiness that she had been waiting for and truly wanted, she wouldn’t have been in that car. Tomorrow isn’t promised. We think we have time but we don’t, that is the brutal reality.

If you see/find happiness in someone special don’t let them go. Don’t wait thinking you have time to rekindle; go with your heart. Also, don’t go on with life thinking about the small stuff. Let it go, it’s not worth it. Don’t let little things that won’t matter when we leave this earth, stop you from being able to enjoy love, life & HAPPINESS. Trust me. Don’t let important words be left unsaid. If you love somebody don’t let them go.

I will not let happiness slip under my feet, only for you Ari.

[December] I was different before 2016. As soon as December 1st hit, I was smiling for no reason. I embraced the cold and decorated my room like nobody’s business. When the season hits, the atmosphere changes. It’s as if the air itself is different. The feeling that love is in the air, the smell of pine would hit my nose from time to time… I would beg our father to decorate the exterior of our house, I didn’t care how cold it was. I wanted our home to match what joy I was feeling. I’ve always been that cheesy person who would ask if Halloween was too early to listen to Christmas music. I couldn’t wait for our annual Christmas party.

My family is very traditional. Every year we always had the same expectations and we would keep the same traditions, nothing was ever different. I feel like that’s normal especially for Christmas. We always do the things that some would call “corny”. We would watch 25 Days of Christmas, listen to soulful holiday music, and we ALWAYS flock our tree. But last year, on December 1st, it was a big debate to even get a Christmas tree. Something like a Christmas tree became so trivial.

Now, Christmas is broken. A holiday that I have always enjoyed, is tarnished forever. Ari loved Christmas just as much as all of us and it was hard to just go on and celebrate and still continue our traditions without her. Who celebrates Christmas after a major loss? For those of who are reading and knew Ari, knew that she gave her heart in her presents. Things you wouldn’t even think you wanted or needed, Ari was giving that. Anything I ever wanted or dreamed of she got it, just like our mother. Even though we were one minute apart, Ari was more than just a big sister, she had motherly love. She always made sure I received the best gifts, and that I had the best Christmas.

Everybody knows who’s the spoiled bratty one here. I remember the Christmas of 2014. I wanted to show her up. I had just graduated from Towson and I finally had the means to get my sister a nice gift. I searched and searched for the most perfect gift. I found this Tory Burch purse at Nordstrom. This was when Tory Burch was just getting hot and she had all the best items that year. It was a big beautiful black leather purse, and I just knew she would love it. I know that some of her girls from Docs remember how Ari wore that purse with pride. I know this because they said Ari would let them know real quick, “My sister got me this for Christmas”. That purse was left the night of the accident at home on her bed. I know you may remember in my first post I talked about seeing that purse, which allowed me to believe she was home. But it was left here. I believe she left it here for me. It’s still in our closet untouched, so that gift is bittersweet. I’m glad that I was able to get her such an amazing gift, I just wish I could see her wear it one more time.

What was also significant about this Christmas, was she got me this amazing steep tech North Face jacket. She reached out to my best girl from college Ashley to see if I would like it. See Ari was just that great of a person. She knew Ashley was important to me and she knew to ask her for advice. That made the coat even more special. Thanks Ashley, for knowing me so well and for helping Ari out. I still wear that coat and remember my sister.

So back to Christmas 2016, we ended up getting that tree. Like I said before everything is bitter sweet. I never decorated the tree, neither one of us did. I could never complain about how our Christmas trees looked. I don’t know who is familiar with HGTV but my mom watches that network very often. If you are familiar with that channel, then you could imagine how our tree looked like HGTV came and threw up on it. But don’t get me wrong, I am forever grateful for her being so precise. Because of that, the trees we have had are always so beautiful and radiant; a reflection of her. But this year I wasn’t going to let her decorate alone, I had to step up. It ended up being just as beautiful as it always is.

The week after we put our tree up I was sitting in our room with a group of my girlfriends. All I remember seeing was flashing lights. A friend of mine told me to come downstairs. There standing in our living room was the Florence Police Department, the Florence Fire Department, a man and a woman dressed as Santa and Mrs. Clause. They came to wish us a Merry Christmas and to show their support, what a blessing. What town do you know would do that? (Thank-you from the bottom of my heart.) To have love and support from your community is literally the best feeling in the world. Ari was a big part of our community and had a wonderful personality that touched so many lives. I’m just happy that people saw her for who she really was, a beautiful person inside and out.

That Christmas morning was extremely strange. I woke up and had no interest in opening presents. No interest in throwing on clothes, nothing. I used to literally be a brat on Christmas morning, like I actually expected gifts. But you never realize what Christmas means, even life, until its changed. Christmas and the holidays are about family. Ari used to tell me how spoiled I was and that it was my parents fault lol. So imagine how I felt on Christmas morning. I’m like, shoot I don’t even want anything. This is crazy how something so tragic made me change.

Besides the birth of my Savior, I have been missing the true meaning of Christmas. I have been selfish and have been taking things for granted. The gift of life was far more precious to me. My family tried to celebrate Christmas with some type of normalcy. We somehow managed to still have Christmas dinner. The blessing of the food was even different. It no longer was “Thank you God for placing us here all together today”. It was “God, you know why we are all here”. As my father uttered those words, the tears started flowing down everybody’s faces. It was so quiet. There was no joy, just pain. Remember, this was the first holiday. It had only been two months and two days since Ari wasn’t here.

Ari’s picture was just sitting in a chair as if she was there with us. I had to look at a picture of my best friend with the words, “In loving memory”, as I ate Christmas dinner. Just imagine a seat being empty knowing that your loved one is supposed to be sitting there. She was literally a piece of cardboard. But all I knew was that we had to make the best out of the day. I had to still do what I thought my sister would want. I really believed she would say, “Tot are you still having company tonight? Well get it together then.” So we still had our annual Christmas party. It was definitely a different feeling. When you feel “empty” it’s more like a metaphor, not an actual feeling.

When everybody started to show up I literally felt the emptiness, I wish I could explain what I felt. You ever been to a party and the one person you want there can’t show up? You always picture them walking through the door even though you already know they’re not coming? That’s how I felt; she was never going to be there and she never will. I wanted to fill the house with presence as much as possible. For me, inviting everybody still was more of a distraction. My friends always follow suit and they came. They came to shower us with dancing, love, laughter and joy. (Thank-you from the bottom of my heart.)

Somebody that you know may be going through the same thing as me. Whether it is the loss of Ariana or the loss of another family member, or friend. Remember those people. Reach out to them. It can be a simple “I know this is the second, third, fourth year without this person, but know that I am here”. You don’t know how much words like those mean. Shower them with love, laughter, joy, because we need it. This is the season of giving, but don’t forget that you have the gift of life. Everybody doesn’t get to see every Christmas, so don’t take it for granted. Don’t take life for granted. I hope that you take the time to spread love. If you can’t give a gift this year just tell somebody that you love them.

Love is the greatest gift of all. I love you. Merry Christmas.

“Lift up your faces, you have a piercing need
For this bright morning dawning for you.

History, despite its wrenching pain,
Cannot be unlived, and if faced with courage,
Need not be lived again.

Lift up your eyes upon
The day breaking for you.

 

Give birth again
To the dream.”

On the Pulse of Morning
– Maya Angelou