This post is dedicated to Nick Sarris.

As we are leaving the season of perpetual hope and beginning the new year, we seek changes. We seek changes in health, friendships, family, relationships, even occupations. One thing we hope for when beginning the new year is happiness. Everybody has their resolutions and things they strive for in the new year, but happiness is the most common wish. “I hope that the New Year brings you hope, love and HAPPINESS”.

I saw that a lot on January 1, 2018, which has brought me to my new entry, this one. After sadness, angry, disappointment I desperately wanted to hurry up and get back to being “happy”. I didn’t want to be happy for myself, I just wanted to find happiness for my sister.

The start of 2017 was horrible. January 1, 2017 was four months after my sister was killed, like what a way to start a New Year… without your best friend. It seemed everybody else’s was thriving in 2017, except me. I swear from my eyes it looked like I was living in hell and everything outside of my life was immaculate. People were pregnant, getting pregnant, having babies, getting new jobs, moving into new places, going on vacation, just living. I was getting ready for court, waiting for my sister’s killer to be indicted. Apparently, he was one of those “immaculate life” people I was talking about before. He was living, everybody was living, and I was slowly dying inside. My happiness was gone.

I often heard people complain too. It was mainly my friends complaining, not strangers which surprised me. People complained about going to work, working too much, complained about their significant others, what they were doing or not doing. Then there was the complaint that was teeth clenching… the: “My brother/sister gets on my nerves”. Oh, that was the best. Forget that I was riding the struggle bus.

I think often people would forget who they were venting to, and how blessed they were. Why are you complaining about all these great things? I would kill to have my sister here. Siblings are a gift that not everyone can experience. By the way, to be able to have an honorable job is a blessing. When everything happened, I couldn’t even think straight let alone try to work. But I would have killed to be able to work non-stop so that I wouldn’t have to sit with my thoughts. I started working a wonderful job a month before the passing of my sister. I had finally got the opportunity to teach American Sign Language.

When I first started, I was extremely happy. I would call her on my lunch break to tell her how my classes were. There was finally light at the end of the tunnel. But then she was gone. I was teaching for literally one month. That happiness was gone with a blink of an eye. I started being depressed because she wasn’t there to see me succeed. No more talking to her on my lunch break, no more coming home to her. Do you remember as a child wanting to ride a specific ride for the longest time? Even if it was just the merry go round. You finally get on and maybe you went around once or twice but you weren’t ready to get off? Maybe your parent or your chaperone made you get off and you felt you didn’t have enough time? You felt like you were on forever but it wasn’t long enough? That joy, that little taste of happiness was gone that quickly because you had no choice. It wasn’t about your time, you had to get off. That’s how I felt. There I was searching and trying to find a way to get my life back and people were complaining about the life they have been blessed with. Not saying that I myself am not blessed or have never felt blessed, I was just feeling like I was robbed of happiness.

When my sister was here, I wasn’t worried about that perfect job, or the man who I wanted but just can’t seem to have. I didn’t have a care in the world. But I just saw this tragic thing happen to some great people, and I didn’t understand how or why. I heard and watched people complain about the smallest things that didn’t matter. What mattered now, was life and living it. What mattered was telling people you love them, telling people you care, sharing your feelings. I believed Ari was struggling to find happiness.

Do I believe that she was happy with life? Absolutely, but she wanted more. She wanted her happy ending. I believe she wanted love. Things were hard for her after her breakup. Every relationship ends at some point, we’ve all been through it. Sometimes you’re just not seeing eye to eye, or maybe you grew apart. Sometimes you wait for the relationship to work out its kinks, while you wait. Eventually, you may give up.

Ari had so much love to give, she found love in enjoying life. I honestly believe that if she had the happiness that she had been waiting for and truly wanted, she wouldn’t have been in that car. Tomorrow isn’t promised. We think we have time but we don’t, that is the brutal reality.

If you see/find happiness in someone special don’t let them go. Don’t wait thinking you have time to rekindle; go with your heart. Also, don’t go on with life thinking about the small stuff. Let it go, it’s not worth it. Don’t let little things that won’t matter when we leave this earth, stop you from being able to enjoy love, life & HAPPINESS. Trust me. Don’t let important words be left unsaid. If you love somebody don’t let them go.

I will not let happiness slip under my feet, only for you Ari.