I uhhh… have no words, no words can amount to how I feel. I’m going to make it plain though. I dreamed about turning 30 with you in equivalence to  little girls dreaming of their wedding day. I couldn’t wait to spend this day with you, but it was truly robbed from me. I had a really great time with our friends yesterday Ari, our day ones (Cherese, Ebony, & Iwona) but I’m sure you were watching. But then,  I broke down really bad, I am unbelievably devastated. I haven’t wrote in a while, but I am so busy trying to make life without you “something”. I knew today of all days, I had to absolutely write about you. I wasn’t sure what I was going to write about but then, eureka!

I have been thinking about growing up with you, arguing with you, laughing with you, and I couldn’t be more honored. So, here are so many things that I have done since you have left, and I hope I am making you proud. 

 I’m still keeping myself up (as well as I can)

I don’t eat chicken anymore (not sure if you’d agree)

I got a tattoo for you

I drink jager for you (sometimes)

I try to smile more

Girl, I have back muscles!

I taught myself how to braid

I can finally make scrambled eggs (still hate yolk though)

I learned how to make mac n cheese, the way daddy taught you. 

I keep up with most of your friendships, (and if one more person gets married!)

I went back to school (and I dread it)

Girl, I still have a couple abs (the last half of the day) 

I walk away from arguments (depending circumstances)

I work at doc’s now (I have to take a deep breath every time I walk in)

I smile at all of your customers that you used to make jokes to (like how I’m mean and we’re not related, that we look nothing alike)

After I count my money for the night I add to your coin collection (you’d be proud I’m still saving money for us)

I learned how to go places on my own, sitting down at places by myself

People are still sad Ari, every time I work at docs I hear a new story. It really is so refreshing, you touched so many people’s lives’. You should be so proud of yourself, seriously. At 27 years of age you touched police officers, teachers, family members, so celebrate today in heaven, Ari. 3 years is nothing that you have missed, you did so much in less time than that! You did so much in an influential way, and you did it with grace. People talk about you, they talk about your light, they talk about your bench. I was told a couple weeks ago that it takes people years to get a bench at a park, even a street name. You were loved. I never pictured turning 30 without you and I am very much sad. I’m sad everyday, but still I am thriving and I’m surviving only for you. Happy Birthday Ari.

Love your biggest fan,

Tot.