The first couple months of Ari’s passing I was in shock. I didn’t know how to think, how to act, what to do. This lasted for a good 6 months. Even with the distractions of friends and family I still felt very lost. I got to a point where I felt like the world was spinning and moving and I was at a stand still. It was like I was stuck. Stuck with nowhere to go and nowhere to be, hypothetically speaking. I kept asking myself: “where do I go from here?”

I did some research on how people deal with their losses and how they ended up “coping”. I found some things relatable, but nothing that could put me at ease. All I really wanted to know was, where exactly do I go from here. That’s it. You know when you finish a bag of potato chips and you reach your hand inside and you want those last few crumbs? You turn the bag upside down thinking you can get that LAST bit but its empty? The bag became empty, but you were satisfied. You were satisfied, just hopeful that there could be more.

This may seem like a weird metaphor, but thats how I felt. Even after 6 months, the shock was still there and I felt more and more empty. I tried to get whatever was left of my hope and happiness… and tried to find those crumbs. There were none left. I honestly felt like I couldn’t go on. There was no hope, there was no happiness, there was nothing. I felt like an empty bag of potato chips. I wasn’t satisfied, I wasn’t whole and I didn’t know how to fix it. Then I began to wonder, what if I just picked up and left. I thought about just leaving, because nobody would recognize who I was or what happened to me. That seemed to be an easy solution to fix my confusion on where to take my next step in life. Then I thought to myself where would that leave me? Alone. I would still be alone, and I would definitely not know who to turn to. I wish I could explain the emptiness but honestly, nothing would suffice. I felt like everybody around me couldn’t possibly know how to help me or fix THIS.

“Where to go” was no longer my own concern after a while. I had moments where I would wake up, start my day and remember that she just isn’t here. I also had moments where I would remember that she isn’t here and start flipping out. Flashes of the newspaper clippings, her smile, her voice, and I couldn’t take those memories. I still have a hard time. It was then, “omg what do I do?”, “what’s happening?”, “ok this is real”. But honestly, what could I do? There was absolutely nothing I could do. I always asked Ari to show me where to go. I wanted her to somehow guide me in life. I knew that I wouldn’t know which direction to go all the time, but I knew there was no way it could be worse from here. I always got encouragement to just keep my head up no matter what.

When doing my research about loss, I always read that people would take their own lives. People wouldn’t get out of bed, go to work… So the fact that I was lost was normal. I thought to myself, “Am I supposed to be doing those things?” Should I stop going to work? Do I not get out of bed? Do I not feed myself? Should I just end everything now? Yes, I was so depressed and I thought about suicide a lot but I could never do it. My sister died on accident, that just wouldn’t be fair to her, or anyone who cared for the both of us.

Now, I am writing this blog of 365 days and even now I still ask myself, “Where do I go?” I know I’m not the only one who feels that they have hit a wall. I began to think I had a purpose, I had a mission. This purpose was to reach out to people; to take my loss and to be a pillar of strength is what I longed for. I still, and will always have moments of weakness, confusion and loss of direction. But, I still try to carry grace, elegance, and courage. That’s all I can do.

I just want to say that everybody goes through a change, a tragedy, pain. Remember that you have trials, tribulations. You will go through a season and it may be a bad one. Don’t get discouraged if that bad season is longer than others. You will see light at the end, somehow, someway.

November. The first real holiday that I encountered without Ari was a holiday celebrating a day of life. November 1st, our mother’s birthday. A day that I have celebrated with my mom for as long as I can remember. A day that had been so joyous had turned into so much sadness. I tried to get something with a meaning. A gift that would remind her of Ari. That’s what these holidays are about now, remembering Ari.

Ari and I would always try to come up with special gifts or think of something that could put a smile on their faces. As a child, you always want to make your parents feel special on their birthdays.

But last year was different. My mom’s birthday was a little over a month after Ari passed away. I didn’t know how to act, let alone try to figure out what to get her as a gift. It was the most awkward day. I ended up going to Alexi and Ani to grab a little something. I saw this mermaid charm bracelet. For those who don’t know the significance of mermaids, Ari loved mermaids.

For the readers and listeners who have siblings, you know the easiest thing to do is to just get one card, and sign it from you and your siblings. For 27 years, even before we knew how to read or write, cards from us would always say “Love, Ari and Tot”. I brought a card for my mom and when it came to signing it, I froze. Like dang… I’m just signing “Love, Tot” now. My heart felt like somebody was squeezing it tighter and tighter and I began to feel anxious. Reality hit hard, like yo this is real, my sister is gone. I really have to just sign my name, and only my name, for the rest of my life?

What made it worse is the fact that I hate buying cards. I think it’s a total waste of money. Ari would always buy the card and she would always sign my name. I was so used to seeing cards signed: “Love, Ari and Tot”. This moment was extremely heart breaking.

It was another reminder that there was no Ari anymore. Now, the gift was only coming from me. I think people forget the simple things, as simple as buying and signing a card. It’s the little things people forget to think about. Never in a million years did I think about how it would feel to only sign my name on a card to my mom on her birthday. Something as simple as a signature, became so broken.

I woke up on that morning, not wanting to even get out of bed. At the time I didn’t even want to move, let alone have to face my mom to wish her a happy birthday. I dreaded going downstairs that day. What a terrible feeling it was to try to avoid two words. As I gave my mom her gift I said, “I’m sorry mom, I just wanted to give you this.” I know nothing would ever be enough. She will no longer hear Ari come down her stairs and say “Happy Birthday.” I know you’re listening Mommy and I’m sorry. I know a sorry would never change anything but you deserve that much.

Thanksgiving Eve. Everybody knows about this specific night “the biggest drinking night of the year”. Honestly if it wasn’t for Ari, I would have never participated in this day. Ari always knew this kind of stuff. I started partying later in life than her, so I was never cool enough. Also, being from a small town this was always the best kind of night. It was the one night out of the year that you know you would see everybody who you hadn’t seen all year. People came home from college or those who had moved away..they would always come home, just so they could be here to celebrate Thanksgiving. This night was one you really prepared for too. All these questions would arise a week before Thanksgiving: What are you wearing? What time are we heading out? Where are we pre-gamming? Like this night is a thing. Ari would always HAVE to be on time. We would always have to make sure Nick was there too, so Ari could “put on.” Sorry, Ari.

It was just that one night you would run into people who you hadn’t seen since high school and just make sure you were “up to par”. This was Thanksgiving Eve. What bothered me the most was not remembering my last Thanksgiving Eve with Ari. I had to let it go because I knew I had so many other memories that I could hold on to. But it sucked. We always bar hopped and ended at the bar Ari worked at. It sucked not going because I couldn’t even step foot in there, way too many memories. Last Thanksgiving Eve, I had a huddle of people around making sure I was ok, I wasn’t. I don’t know how many more Thanksgiving Eve’s I’ll be able to participate in because the feeling isn’t the same. It will never be the same.

Thanksgiving. A holiday that you are supposed to be giving thanks and to reflect on the things you are grateful for. I had to ask myself, “What am I grateful for?” It definitely used to be life, my family, my sister. But last Thanksgiving, my family couldn’t even have a proper Thanksgiving dinner without Ari. We received so many invitations to have dinner with our closest friends and immediate family members. There was no preparation the night before, there was no time that dinner would be ready, it was just a regular day. I remember spending half the day in my pajamas. I had a house full of friends in my room from the night before and by 12 p.m. everybody was getting ready to head home to their families. I couldn’t believe that this was reality for me. I pictured a normal Thanksgiving.

I daydreamed about a house full of people, laughing, and getting together. I longed for that. It didn’t turn out all that bad. I eventually met my parents at their bestfriend’s house, but it just wasn’t the same. A big chunk of me is gone and I just didn’t feel grateful at all. I do want to thank those of you who spent thanksgiving night with me, you who know who you are. I am beyond grateful.

As we approach the season of love, warmth, gratefulness, I encourage you to spread those things. Tell people you love them, and that you’re grateful for them, what are you waiting for? Spread warmth to family members. Be grateful for those people who are here on earth still. Be grateful for your siblings and your loved ones. You never know when it will be their last Thanksgiving holiday. Be thankful and grateful for what you have. If you know someone who won’t have a normal holiday this year, remember to tell those specific people you love them. And last, but most importantly… if nobody tells you, I love you.

Happy Thanksgiving.

As we near Thanksgiving, we enter a time of being thankful for all that we have in our lives. Being thankful is still a hard concept for me when I am reminded every day of my loss. A loss that has made me angry; a loss that has made it hard to find forgiveness. This next piece is to help those of you reading and listening, truly understand why this time of year has been so difficult.

You see, I have always been a little sassy. That is just me. Being a server, it’s hard turning that off sometimes. You are who you are as a person, and when you’re serving, you have to put on a show sometimes. I remember the first time somebody called me out on how I used to be. It was my manager at work. The big bosses were coming and I was taken off the schedule. He explained that sometimes, I’m not pleasant and it’s not that I am a mean person, I just look mean. A year ago, I would totally agree. My anger, my attitude, no longer comes from the same place.

Before the death of my sister, if I had a table full of rude guests you’d be able to tell that “I wasn’t here for it”. Now, I smile more than usual because there is pain that I am trying to hide. It’s tiring being sad, being in pain, being angry. I smile because I am smiling for me and somebody else now. I have my sister’s spirit and when she dealt with horrible patrons, she didn’t get upset, she smiled. So, who am I not to smile? You never know why people are frowning, why people are smiling. Pain and anger can be hidden or it can be very noticeable, take notice.

#Anger.

A long time ago, I was at a local bar that Ariana worked at. I was using the bathroom and was finishing up when I overheard these two girls outside of the stall. They were talking about Ari and how she carded them when they never get carded anywhere. I knew they were talking about her because they referenced her skin. I came out real calm and slow and excused myself to reach the sink. I turned to them and asked, “Do you have a problem with the bartender?” They responded, “Yea?!” But in a way like, “we do, you do too?!” I responded, “Yeah, all the time. But you see, that’s my twin sister.”

I then pushed the door open and yelled to Ari from the bathroom, “Ari, these girls in here were talking about you, but we good now.” Great times. But there is no Ari behind the bar anymore, I can’t make people feel embarrassed anymore. They know she’s not here anymore. So now, I handle things the best way I can. But I know for sure I don’t get mad at ignorance. I just try to educate, starting with this blog.

Fast forward one year later; I was back at the same bar, same bathroom. Side note: why do people want to have conversations in the bathroom?

This time, I ran into a young lady who had just lost her brother. Her brother was someone who I had the pleasure of knowing. Before she could extend her condolences, I extended mine. She asked me how I was doing. I responded with, “the best I can do”. She made a reference about the car accident the driver. She explained that she was friends with the driver. She said to me, “not to be smart but she got in the car with him”. You see, the Tatiana I was a year ago, wouldn’t have used words to respond, but I have changed. I think it’s important to always say how you feel. Don’t get upset, just educate. Some people are extremely ignorant, they don’t use their minds to think about what they’re going to say.

This wasn’t the only time I had to deal with these comments. When everything first happened, I had friends telling me in regards to him being a police officer, that it was her fault she got in the car. I saw these things being written all over the internet, but I dreaded the moment I would hear some of these things in person. I dreaded the day where I couldn’t hide my anger anymore.

Ari isn’t here anymore. It is now up to me to defend her, alone. So, imagine how a situation like this had me lost… because she isn’t here to defend herself and she’s not here to have my back. It was hard enough getting out of bed every day, I didn’t have room to figure out how to be pleasant all the time, and I still don’t.

Look at it this way: have you ever lost your best friend momentarily? Would you accept another person, outside of the situation, telling you how to feel? Or, have you ever experienced a friend of yours, losing their best friend momentarily? Let’s say they got in a fight, or something like that, do you take it upon yourself to tell your friend how to feel? No.

So how could people look at me in my face and tell me how to feel? Or worse, telling me what I should or shouldn’t say; that I should watch how I phrase things. Please. You can’t tell somebody how to act or how to feel after they had the biggest loss in their lives. I remember a couple people telling me that I hurt their feelings or I should watch what I say. I thought about it. The only person that could tell me how to act, or to watch what I said, was Ariana. She always knew that I stuck up for her, and she also knew I was a problem.

Now, before responding to any situations where I need to defend Ariana, I have to tell myself to be the woman she would want me to be. In the case of this young woman commenting on Ariana’s decision to trust a good friend, I explained to her that my sister trusted her driver. She didn’t ask for this. She was just having a good time. She also mentioned that she was drinking. Yes, I am sure she had a couple of drinks but that doesn’t excuse the act of his carelessness. I know my sister.

She would never get in the car with somebody who wasn’t okay to drive or who she couldn’t trust. My parents always told us if we needed them, to call. Ari is a smart woman. She always made good decisions. He made the decision to get behind the wheel and she trusted him. My friends are my family, I will always protect them. As an officer of the law he took an oath to protect and serve and he broke that promise. To those who think that way about this tragedy, what would you have done? Who can you trust to keep you safe? Wouldn’t you be angry? Wouldn’t you ask these questions?

Sometimes, I get mad at myself. I should have been there, I should of just went. It’s hard not to blame yourself when you can’t figure out who else is there to blame.

Now the driver was also a friend of mine which is something I struggle with; I couldn’t wrap my head around how someone I trusted could be so careless with someone whom we both loved. I think about that every day. I just knew that there were so many people in this world that my sister called a friend and they would have treated her like the gem she was. I think about my heart and how it is broken and there will always be something missing. He was to blame. For a long time, I was so angry because I blamed Justin. Then I blamed God. I didn’t really know who to blame. Clarity in this area of the situation was something I really longed for, I hoped for.

As a true Christian, growing up I learned about how your “walk” may be different. Your “walk” may have trials, and it may have tribulations. You learn to take those things and accept them as “bumps” in your walk. Also, growing up I learned about forgiveness.

Forgiveness is the act of pardoning an offender. In the Bible, the Greek word translating “forgiveness” literally means “to let go”, as when a person does not demand payment for a debt. You see, forgiveness is hard to do at times. You may not fully understand how to forgive it can be a long process depending on the situation. Anger normally comes before forgiveness. If you’re angry for too long forgiveness may never come. This is what I have learned. You may have heard the saying “Let go, and let God”.

This was hard for me to do when knowing that my sister was dead. I am a Christian, but I am also human. I let go and I let God lead my life. I certainly tried to anyway. But how could this have happened? I don’t know. God had a plan and It wasn’t Ari’s plan to be here with me anymore. I tried my hardest not to question God, because that is what we as Christians are taught. But it hurt, her not being here anymore made me angry.

I have been angry ever since.

Part One

Holidays aren’t the same when there is a big part of your family missing. What happens when your heart JUST isn’t whole? Broken heart, broken family, broken holidays. Just broken.

September

When Ari left this earth, her death left my family in pieces. The same weekend that she was killed, our parents were celebrating their anniversary. They were planning their annual trip to Atlantic City. But they could never have anticipated a celebration of their union would be ruined forever. I remember days after the accident happened, I overheard my mom explaining how she felt that night.

She shared that the night of the accident, she was having trouble sleeping. She explained that she was anxious and she didn’t know why. She thought maybe it was just stress, so she tried going back to sleep. But the feeling would not go away. She believed in the moments she was feeling anxious, the accident was happening. I truly believe that anxiety she was feeling, was from the pain that was being inflicted on Ari. I’m sure of it. The feeling my mother had was no coincidence. It was the feeling of loss, the feeling of change, the feeling of broken-ness. That is how she will always remember their last anniversary. The day of remembering a union, celebrating love, honoring the day they started our family… tarnished forever. How do you celebrate a life of love and growth when a big part of your family is missing? I cry for them, I pray for them, I do my best to be strong for them, but that day will forever be broken.

October

Remember fall got cold early? October was definitely cold and of course, dark. Because of…Halloween. During this month, I had so many dreams. It felt as though I had never dreamed before, and suddenly they were all coming at once. It could have been because the holidays were coming up and this is the time I felt lost the most.

About a week or two before Halloween I had a dream I’d never forget. In my dream, I re-lived the day that she passed. Everybody was on my lawn, in my house… everywhere. I was outside and I saw some of my friends leaning on Ari’s car. Then the dream went silent. You ever see in the movies where everything gets quick and then all of a sudden everything was in slow motion? Only in my dream, I was the one in slow motion. I turned my head to the right extremely slow and there she was. She was radiant and as beautiful as she always is. I asked “what are you doing here?” She responded “I’m only here for just one day”. As she slowly turned to make her way inside of the house she was glowing, like an actual glow. I started running after her like the kid sister I’ve always been.

She immediately went to the basement, as she was walking down the stairs I was literally on her heels. I asked, “Ari, do you watch me sometimes?” She responded, “Yes Tot, sometimes.” But her response was so like her. It was as if she was saying, girl sometimes but it’s all on you now, buck up. That’s how I knew it was her. She made her way back upstairs and now we were in the kitchen. I asked her if she was in heaven, she said yes. I asked her what it was like. She told me that getting there wasn’t like what we’ve been taught. She said that God is like our father here on earth. She explained to me that when she made her way to heaven he met her up there. When she arrived, God painted a picture of her life and explained, “Ari your life was like this, you remember you went to the store and wanting a pair of shoes? You got the ones you really wanted and you should have gotten the ones you needed. That how your life was”. She said, “God is like daddy, he loves you anyway”.

After that I had some clarity, of course not complete clarity, but it was better than nothing at all. Then, memories started to appear.

Halloween

I began thinking of our childhood and all of our Halloween nights growing up. The Halloween parties, the trick o’ treating, the costumes. Ari loved Halloween. Me? Not so much. Halloween has never been my favorite. When we were little of course I enjoyed it. We always had the best costumes. I always wanted to be girly and the prissy one. Ari was always a wild card but still always looked adorable. I started thinking of moments in elementary school and how we were excited all day just to walk in the Halloween parade. I still remember Ari’s dimples and her smiling from ear-to-ear that day.

As we got older, Halloween for Ari became so effortless, but for her that wasn’t new. Technically, Halloween isn’t even a holiday but for some, it’s a day to just have a good time. It’s that one night you can be whoever you want to be, do whatever you want to do, to just be carefree. That was Ari. To me finding a costume to wear on Halloween was like a job. I dreaded getting invited somewhere, because I got tired of explaining to people that I came to the party as myself. But Ari always put so much effort into her costume. She came up with some really good ones too. I always would scratch my head and ask her, “like ok, is it that deep?” Her rebuttal would be as such: “Just because you wanna be corny Tot…” That left no room for me to respond, I mean she was right.

It was her thing, I wasn’t mad, I just couldn’t get into it. I remember we went to NOLA for Halloween for a dear friend’s wedding. Like who would of thought that we would be in NOLA for Halloween, amazing. She dressed as cat woman but regardless of what she was, she always looked mad sexy. Good for you Ari. She did that. Her creativity, her sexiness, it made her costume unforgettable every time. I know that everybody, literally everybody has a moment of Ari during Halloween.

As kids, and even as adults, we would watch ABC Family’s 13 Days of Halloween together as a family (just us girls). One of her all-time favorite movies was the Halloween classic, Hocus Pocus. That indeed was Ari’s jam and we watched that movie every year about 5 times out of the week, it was just our thing. I remember seeing that on TV for the first time after she passed and my heart dropped. The movie, that feeling I would get when watching it with her, it left, it wasn’t there anymore. That moment was broken and it was never coming back. My mother was sitting next to me at the time and I could remember her asking me if it bothered me to watch it. Of course. Watching it reminded me of her and the memories that we have watching it together. But I had a little bit of joy knowing that she loved it.

That has been the hardest part. Re-living memories. But we have to. Just for her.

To honor Ari’s love of Halloween, I dressed up last year even though it was a struggle. I was a Jager girl of course. As hard as it was, when it came to Ari, LITERALLY nothing stopped the party. So why would I stop? She would say to me “Tot, you’re being corny, seriously”. So I won’t be corny, Ari. When I’m tired I’ll push for you. I’ll even put on a repeated costume.

I’ll try to mend this broken holiday.