The first couple months of Ari’s passing I was in shock. I didn’t know how to think, how to act, what to do. This lasted for a good 6 months. Even with the distractions of friends and family I still felt very lost. I got to a point where I felt like the world was spinning and moving and I was at a stand still. It was like I was stuck. Stuck with nowhere to go and nowhere to be, hypothetically speaking. I kept asking myself: “where do I go from here?”

I did some research on how people deal with their losses and how they ended up “coping”. I found some things relatable, but nothing that could put me at ease. All I really wanted to know was, where exactly do I go from here. That’s it. You know when you finish a bag of potato chips and you reach your hand inside and you want those last few crumbs? You turn the bag upside down thinking you can get that LAST bit but its empty? The bag became empty, but you were satisfied. You were satisfied, just hopeful that there could be more.

This may seem like a weird metaphor, but thats how I felt. Even after 6 months, the shock was still there and I felt more and more empty. I tried to get whatever was left of my hope and happiness… and tried to find those crumbs. There were none left. I honestly felt like I couldn’t go on. There was no hope, there was no happiness, there was nothing. I felt like an empty bag of potato chips. I wasn’t satisfied, I wasn’t whole and I didn’t know how to fix it. Then I began to wonder, what if I just picked up and left. I thought about just leaving, because nobody would recognize who I was or what happened to me. That seemed to be an easy solution to fix my confusion on where to take my next step in life. Then I thought to myself where would that leave me? Alone. I would still be alone, and I would definitely not know who to turn to. I wish I could explain the emptiness but honestly, nothing would suffice. I felt like everybody around me couldn’t possibly know how to help me or fix THIS.

“Where to go” was no longer my own concern after a while. I had moments where I would wake up, start my day and remember that she just isn’t here. I also had moments where I would remember that she isn’t here and start flipping out. Flashes of the newspaper clippings, her smile, her voice, and I couldn’t take those memories. I still have a hard time. It was then, “omg what do I do?”, “what’s happening?”, “ok this is real”. But honestly, what could I do? There was absolutely nothing I could do. I always asked Ari to show me where to go. I wanted her to somehow guide me in life. I knew that I wouldn’t know which direction to go all the time, but I knew there was no way it could be worse from here. I always got encouragement to just keep my head up no matter what.

When doing my research about loss, I always read that people would take their own lives. People wouldn’t get out of bed, go to work… So the fact that I was lost was normal. I thought to myself, “Am I supposed to be doing those things?” Should I stop going to work? Do I not get out of bed? Do I not feed myself? Should I just end everything now? Yes, I was so depressed and I thought about suicide a lot but I could never do it. My sister died on accident, that just wouldn’t be fair to her, or anyone who cared for the both of us.

Now, I am writing this blog of 365 days and even now I still ask myself, “Where do I go?” I know I’m not the only one who feels that they have hit a wall. I began to think I had a purpose, I had a mission. This purpose was to reach out to people; to take my loss and to be a pillar of strength is what I longed for. I still, and will always have moments of weakness, confusion and loss of direction. But, I still try to carry grace, elegance, and courage. That’s all I can do.

I just want to say that everybody goes through a change, a tragedy, pain. Remember that you have trials, tribulations. You will go through a season and it may be a bad one. Don’t get discouraged if that bad season is longer than others. You will see light at the end, somehow, someway.