As we near Thanksgiving, we enter a time of being thankful for all that we have in our lives. Being thankful is still a hard concept for me when I am reminded every day of my loss. A loss that has made me angry; a loss that has made it hard to find forgiveness. This next piece is to help those of you reading and listening, truly understand why this time of year has been so difficult.

You see, I have always been a little sassy. That is just me. Being a server, it’s hard turning that off sometimes. You are who you are as a person, and when you’re serving, you have to put on a show sometimes. I remember the first time somebody called me out on how I used to be. It was my manager at work. The big bosses were coming and I was taken off the schedule. He explained that sometimes, I’m not pleasant and it’s not that I am a mean person, I just look mean. A year ago, I would totally agree. My anger, my attitude, no longer comes from the same place.

Before the death of my sister, if I had a table full of rude guests you’d be able to tell that “I wasn’t here for it”. Now, I smile more than usual because there is pain that I am trying to hide. It’s tiring being sad, being in pain, being angry. I smile because I am smiling for me and somebody else now. I have my sister’s spirit and when she dealt with horrible patrons, she didn’t get upset, she smiled. So, who am I not to smile? You never know why people are frowning, why people are smiling. Pain and anger can be hidden or it can be very noticeable, take notice.

#Anger.

A long time ago, I was at a local bar that Ariana worked at. I was using the bathroom and was finishing up when I overheard these two girls outside of the stall. They were talking about Ari and how she carded them when they never get carded anywhere. I knew they were talking about her because they referenced her skin. I came out real calm and slow and excused myself to reach the sink. I turned to them and asked, “Do you have a problem with the bartender?” They responded, “Yea?!” But in a way like, “we do, you do too?!” I responded, “Yeah, all the time. But you see, that’s my twin sister.”

I then pushed the door open and yelled to Ari from the bathroom, “Ari, these girls in here were talking about you, but we good now.” Great times. But there is no Ari behind the bar anymore, I can’t make people feel embarrassed anymore. They know she’s not here anymore. So now, I handle things the best way I can. But I know for sure I don’t get mad at ignorance. I just try to educate, starting with this blog.

Fast forward one year later; I was back at the same bar, same bathroom. Side note: why do people want to have conversations in the bathroom?

This time, I ran into a young lady who had just lost her brother. Her brother was someone who I had the pleasure of knowing. Before she could extend her condolences, I extended mine. She asked me how I was doing. I responded with, “the best I can do”. She made a reference about the car accident the driver. She explained that she was friends with the driver. She said to me, “not to be smart but she got in the car with him”. You see, the Tatiana I was a year ago, wouldn’t have used words to respond, but I have changed. I think it’s important to always say how you feel. Don’t get upset, just educate. Some people are extremely ignorant, they don’t use their minds to think about what they’re going to say.

This wasn’t the only time I had to deal with these comments. When everything first happened, I had friends telling me in regards to him being a police officer, that it was her fault she got in the car. I saw these things being written all over the internet, but I dreaded the moment I would hear some of these things in person. I dreaded the day where I couldn’t hide my anger anymore.

Ari isn’t here anymore. It is now up to me to defend her, alone. So, imagine how a situation like this had me lost… because she isn’t here to defend herself and she’s not here to have my back. It was hard enough getting out of bed every day, I didn’t have room to figure out how to be pleasant all the time, and I still don’t.

Look at it this way: have you ever lost your best friend momentarily? Would you accept another person, outside of the situation, telling you how to feel? Or, have you ever experienced a friend of yours, losing their best friend momentarily? Let’s say they got in a fight, or something like that, do you take it upon yourself to tell your friend how to feel? No.

So how could people look at me in my face and tell me how to feel? Or worse, telling me what I should or shouldn’t say; that I should watch how I phrase things. Please. You can’t tell somebody how to act or how to feel after they had the biggest loss in their lives. I remember a couple people telling me that I hurt their feelings or I should watch what I say. I thought about it. The only person that could tell me how to act, or to watch what I said, was Ariana. She always knew that I stuck up for her, and she also knew I was a problem.

Now, before responding to any situations where I need to defend Ariana, I have to tell myself to be the woman she would want me to be. In the case of this young woman commenting on Ariana’s decision to trust a good friend, I explained to her that my sister trusted her driver. She didn’t ask for this. She was just having a good time. She also mentioned that she was drinking. Yes, I am sure she had a couple of drinks but that doesn’t excuse the act of his carelessness. I know my sister.

She would never get in the car with somebody who wasn’t okay to drive or who she couldn’t trust. My parents always told us if we needed them, to call. Ari is a smart woman. She always made good decisions. He made the decision to get behind the wheel and she trusted him. My friends are my family, I will always protect them. As an officer of the law he took an oath to protect and serve and he broke that promise. To those who think that way about this tragedy, what would you have done? Who can you trust to keep you safe? Wouldn’t you be angry? Wouldn’t you ask these questions?

Sometimes, I get mad at myself. I should have been there, I should of just went. It’s hard not to blame yourself when you can’t figure out who else is there to blame.

Now the driver was also a friend of mine which is something I struggle with; I couldn’t wrap my head around how someone I trusted could be so careless with someone whom we both loved. I think about that every day. I just knew that there were so many people in this world that my sister called a friend and they would have treated her like the gem she was. I think about my heart and how it is broken and there will always be something missing. He was to blame. For a long time, I was so angry because I blamed Justin. Then I blamed God. I didn’t really know who to blame. Clarity in this area of the situation was something I really longed for, I hoped for.

As a true Christian, growing up I learned about how your “walk” may be different. Your “walk” may have trials, and it may have tribulations. You learn to take those things and accept them as “bumps” in your walk. Also, growing up I learned about forgiveness.

Forgiveness is the act of pardoning an offender. In the Bible, the Greek word translating “forgiveness” literally means “to let go”, as when a person does not demand payment for a debt. You see, forgiveness is hard to do at times. You may not fully understand how to forgive it can be a long process depending on the situation. Anger normally comes before forgiveness. If you’re angry for too long forgiveness may never come. This is what I have learned. You may have heard the saying “Let go, and let God”.

This was hard for me to do when knowing that my sister was dead. I am a Christian, but I am also human. I let go and I let God lead my life. I certainly tried to anyway. But how could this have happened? I don’t know. God had a plan and It wasn’t Ari’s plan to be here with me anymore. I tried my hardest not to question God, because that is what we as Christians are taught. But it hurt, her not being here anymore made me angry.

I have been angry ever since.