I have written many things that have occurred in my 365 days of loss. So far, the ultimate torture are memories. There are many definitions on “memory” and memories, but one stood out to me.

Memories: the mental capacity or faculty of retaining and reviving facts, events, impressions, or of recalling or recognizing previous experiences.

Another one I found was: The reputation of a person or thing, especially after death; fame. After looking up suitable definitions, I then did some research on “memory”. “Remember the memories” that was a curse and a blessing at the same time. In one article, it explained that our memory makes us. If we didn’t remember anything, people, where we’ve been, we wouldn’t be able to function. It also read that we need to stay up on recollection, because as we get older memory decays.

I’ve always had good memories in every area of my life, now that can be debatable. When I think about my sister I have ton of memories if you can imagine, but now I have a bad one. This bad memory has taken over all the good ones, and I’m hoping it will be temporary. You see I have a lot of time to spend with myself, which causes me to think. I know that everybody has experienced a moment where you day-dream about memories. What a great gift to have, to day-dream about memories. It can be so sweet. That daydream was once reality and we have the capability to relive it whenever we want.

Another great gift of memory is impression. It’s inevitable that you all will see Ari whenever you see me, but it goes beyond looks. I can talk like her, make gestures like her, walk like her, and I can do this because I am her. If I make a face like her, laugh like her, or say a phrase like her that is the gift of memory impression. I have even caught myself experiencing a moment of impression. As human beings, we can pull a memory and think about it all day long if we want. So, in those moments when I’m alone, I think about memories. I think about how Ari and I were little girls in our little twists. I think about her little smile. I remember us in kindergarten and our parents picked us up and dropped us off. Our first friendships outside of one another. Going to holiday skating rink for little parties with our classmates to growing up and going with our friends on the weekends. Sleepovers, waking up early on a Saturday morning to play outside. To growing up into beautiful woman.

My brain and my memory has allowed me to see all of the past with my sister. But what I struggle with is when that day dream has sucked back to present day I get extremely sad. I used to daydream about us being little girls all the time and I was blessed by that. I was blessed to be able to say to her “Ari remember when…”. I can’t do that anymore. So when I hear, “Remember the memories”… pssh believe me, I remember. I come back to reality and I look around, and remember they will just be memories. No more will be made.

I am grateful for those who still share their memories with me that they have of her. She had so many friends so hearing a memory is like storytelling, it’s extremely amazing. So, all in all everybody is telling a story, in some way, that is such a beautiful thing. Even with all those lovely stories I still have moments where a bad memory will outweigh a good one. Honestly, I have to say the ultimate torture is the memory of the events of her life ending. Hopefully one day my daydreams will be full of nothing but good memories, and no room for the bad ones.

I encourage everybody to hold onto memories. Let the good memories out way the good, from here on and years to come.