Darkness

Noun: the partial total absence of light.

Ok, so I have dark moments. This is really hard for me to talk about but it’s real, so let’s talk about it. I’ve always had extreme anxiety, for those who don’t know that about me. I have anxiety about being alone, being in a car alone, actually driving in it.  I have anxiety about bridges, well, heights in general. Now with Ari gone, I have  extreme anxiety about being alone and going places by myself. I was too embarrassed to tell people this, but when I was invited somewhere and it was too far I wasn’t going. For example, if you had a birthday party and it was a decent distance it wasn’t happening. OH and IF I had nobody to hop in the car with me, 9 times out of 10 I wasn’t coming. I would try to make up excuses because I was so embarrassed to tell people these things, and I know those excuses weren’t good enough. But I’ve never had to go anywhere alone, NOWHERE. I’ve always had somebody to go places with. I didn’t want to talk about it, and I was anxious about it, and still get anxious about it. But, as of lately the anxiety has became a bit much. If you are unfamiliar with anxiety it can be a lot at times.

Anxiety could actually take over your life if you let it. Everybody has different triggers and its never one specific thing. For me my anxiety happens when I am alone. I started having anxiety moments in my car, and it would go just like this. I’d forget for one second about what had happened to Ari.  I would talk to myself in my head and sometimes I’d ask “what am I going to do when I got home?’ Then I’d remember that Ari is gone. Then here comes the hard confirmation “Ari is dead girl.” The first year was just like “I know she’s not here but I just refuse to accept it”. Now, it’s like “she’s not here, she’s not coming back you know that right?”. Then I started having nightmares about that night. In my dreams I started remembering her voice when she told me that it was up to me to come meet her out. In some dreams I actually went and painted a picture of how it would of went differently. I had some that I was driving and I was following the two of them home, and seeing the crash myself.

In the other dreams I painted a picture of what happened to her, and what exactly happened to her body. I would make up scenarios of how it happened. Her hitting her head on the dash board. Her just lying there helpless. I remembered how her nails were broken when I looked down at her hands, as she laid in her casket, all those scratches. Just horrible things a person shouldn’t have to think about but, that was my anxiety. I was putting myself in a place that I didn’t need to be, putting more on myself by thinking about things I couldn’t control. Every time I woke up it was just dark, and not just my room but thats how I felt. I just couldn’t take it anymore and I wanted to die, and I still have those moments. I was so angry that I didn’t do anything, I could of went out that night, and I’m just angry that I didn’t. The thought of her body jerking around and being hit with so much impact that she died. I couldn’t bare. It got to the point that I was just like “yo I’m done, like forreal this is crazy, I shouldn’t even be alive right now”. I didn’t think it was fair that I was still here. I thought about so many different ways to just go, it would be so quick. I knew people would miss me and it would be selfish, but I felt like I was being selfish for still having life.

The only thing that has kept me here, and to stay , is that I finally have convinced myself that I will see her again. It was and still hard for me to think about her being somewhere again with me. All I have ever experienced is life on earth, nowhere else. I believe that she is in heaven, but I sometimes I can’t bare her not being HERE. I know that suicide won’t fix it and I know that it won’t help me see her any faster. Mentally I have become a little unstable because time is passing, the denial is leaving and reality is becoming more clear. I know that people look at me and see otherwise, they see that I’m fine, or maybe they don’t. I think that people see my social media and they see me smiling and see my strength. But really I am screaming on the inside, everyday. It truly is hard to keep survival looking this good. Looks can be deceiving and I struggle with staying on this earth everyday, BELIEVE ME. I’m trying really hard. Sometimes pain can just be too much, so remember that in your grieving friends/family.

In this past year we lost Kate Spade, a beautiful vibrant designer. You would never know from her designs that she was in so much pain. Her work has always been filled with beautiful bright colors, flowers and light. But her real light was dim, you would of never ever guessed it. Remember that you have to check on people, they are trying to stand on solid ground. However, one day they might not be strong enough to stay up and stay standing. My grieving brothers and sisters you keep standing. Don’t let your darkness dim your light too much. Hold on, you stay strong, you STAND.