You’re not even here anymore, I’m not even unique anymore.

I was so lucky to be a twin. That doesn’t even matter. You’re not here anymore. Pictures of us when we were young, which twin is which? It doesn’t matter you’re not here anymore.

“You have any siblings? How’s your sister?” You’re not here anymore. When you died, people would try to make me feel better by saying, “She’s here, she’s watching over you.” That was the most cliché line if I’ve ever heard one. It’s like the one line people say, when they don’t know what to say.

FYI: When you say that, and you think it’s helping, it’s not. It doesn’t help to ease all of the pain that person is enduring. Well, at least not for me. Anytime people would say that to me, I would just think, “Uhhhhh, I don’t feel her anywhere”.

There were certain times when reality really hit and I just knew you weren’t here. For example, when it came to switching out our clothes when the seasons changed and having to leave yours in storage, reminding me that you’re not here. I remember the first time I went to Docs on a Friday. It wasn’t the same, something was missing. You’re not here. I don’t feel you anywhere. I used to be able to shake you and wake you up when I thought you were late for work. I used to be able to watch movies and lay on you because I knew it annoyed you. I don’t feel you anywhere.

The physical part is what I needed, I didn’t care to hear about your “presence,” I wanted you here. You’re not here anymore. It wasn’t until 8 months after losing you, that I was able to get over the fact that you’re not here anymore.

A memory that was once cloudy came to my mind. The Sunday after Ariana died I danced in church. It was my Pastor’s anniversary. I danced like I’ve never danced before. It was like a part of me died with Ari and I was a new woman here on earth. I mean, my sister died on a Friday and I went to church and still praised on that Sunday. It was so strange for me, I knew I was strong but not that strong. My heart was broken but I just knew that the Lord would bring me through.

After church, I went to Wawa for some reason and used the restroom. While in Wawa, Ceelo green came on. I don’t know if anybody can relate or remember these moments but “F You” was our jam. Ari and I would sing this particular song together, and we SANNG y’all. I would be banging on the bar, and eventually by the end of the song the bar would be underneath my feet. Typing this memory had me staring into space and I couldn’t help but smile, but then soon enough, reality had hit me once again.

Thinking about that memory made me sad, what was once a happy memory turned sad. But it still played, and then, I realized, Ari, you’re everywhere. I heard the A-Team one time when I got sad, you’re everywhere. I started having all these crazy dreams and you came to me. Now, you’re everywhere. I’m able to smell your clothes, look at pictures (well some), videos, and listen to songs that reminded me of you. It was tough at first. I would get nauseous hearing my voice, I still do. I would be startled when I heard myself on Snapchat because I heard you in me. What started to make me happy was eating foods you liked. Talking how you talked, saying things you would say. I know it gave people comfort by them seeing my face, but what about me? I needed some type of relief at times, you’re everywhere.

I started remembering dances and you singing along to Tyga’s song “Rumors”. Things I couldn’t see last September. You’re everywhere. “Ari’s bench,” you’re everywhere. Double rainbows, you’re everywhere. You shared with me in the first dream I had of you that you watch me sometimes, you’re everywhere. I smelled you one time out of nowhere. I could have sworn you were in our room and you sat on my bed. Did you put my comforter on me? You’re everywhere. I lost $300 last September and couldn’t find it anywhere. I drove myself crazy looking for that money, and I even had help trying to find it. I literally checked everywhere. I gave up after a while. Losing money became such a small worry, after everything I had been through.

This August I made a trip to see my best friend from college. I went to my jewelry box so I could pack my sunglasses. While I was looking for them I saw something white at the bottom of that drawer. I thought to myself, what is this? People wrote me so many letters back in September, I was just putting them in random places so I could find them and read them later. I honestly thought It was one of them. I moved everything slowly like I was in a movie and I stumbled upon a life changing item. It was that envelope! Inside was that $300 I lost almost a year ago. I have opened that same drawer for 365 days and it wasn’t until that moment right before I had left for Maryland, that I found that envelope sitting right there. Ari took care of me emotionally, mentally, financially, in life. She’s now doing the same in death.

There were a couple of things that went missing in this past year, and every time I could hear her voice in my head “Tot you’re always losing something”. But Ari was right there every time, bringing things right back. You’re everywhere.

Sunflowers, you’re everywhere.

Speaking of sunflowers, let me explain. For those of you listening and reading I want to touch a little bit on the significance of sunflowers. Ari’s favorite color growing up was pink. Now the color pink represents caring, compassion and love. The color pink stands for unconditional love and understanding, and is associated with giving and receiving care. That describes Ari so accurately. My favorite color growing up was purple. Purple is often associated with royalty, nobility, luxury, power, ambition. Now, my favorite color is yellow. Yellow is the color of sunshine, hope and happiness. It can stand for positivity, clarity, energy, optimism, enlightenment. I think this best describes me now. But I fell in love with yellow the first time I had ever seen a sunflower. You have no idea how a sunflower can brighten up my day. I will literally stare at a sunflower all day long.

I am a beautiful brown woman with a beautiful bright personality. A sunflower is brown on the inside but bright yellow on the outside. Because I loved sunflowers so much, so did Ari. You see, that’s how this twin thing goes. Two, become one. Everything she liked I liked, anything she said I said. I loved sunflowers, well then so did she. Ari even decided to get a tattoo of a sunflower on her body for me. She loved me so much, she used the sunflower as a representation of me. I smile now when I see sunflowers because I know that’s her trying to make me smile. I’m glad that people use these sunflowers in reference to her but, it’s referring to me the most, and that’s ok because I am her.

You’re everywhere.